My Simple Birthday Wish

I promise you that this is not a solicitation for Happy Birthday greetings. But in addition to an off-key serenade and maybe a cupcake with a candle in it, there’s one more thing I’d like this year.

One of the fundamental questions facing our society right now is, how do we get people to listen to each other? We’re all talking but almost no one is listening. We decide someone’s an idiot and shut them down. We make snap judgments and close up. Some rant because they know they’re going to get ignored. People of all political stripes and beliefs need to remain open to hearing each other out.

Yes, even THOSE people – whoever they are to you.

Transitioning Listening

Many have their minds made up about transgender people without ever having met such a person. Honestly, there aren’t that many. It’s a fraction of a fraction worldwide but the issue prompts a strong reaction from people who don’t want to listen, or hold space in their own discomfort about it.

I’m afraid that discussing the wonderful documentary, Will and Harper, will only interest those who have taken time to want to understand why someone transitions. It’s those who don’t get it who really need to watch the film. And that’s my birthday wish.

In the doc., a former head writer at Saturday Night Live and 30-year friend of Will Ferrell’s has come out late in life as trans. Now named Harper, she has always loved road trips, dive bars and greasy diners. But at 61 and living as a woman, she’s scared of going into these places now, because of how people might respond. Her safety could literally be at risk. Other SNL stars make appearances, notably Kristen Wiig and Tracy Morgan.

Something about an obviously trans person sends some men into a weird tailspin of violence. They become schoolyard bullies. Harper gets that she looks unusual. She talks about not being pretty. She also talks about feeling like herself for the first time in her life. So, she and Will go on a road trip. With him as backup, Harper attempts to do things she’s always done, now in a dress, presenting to the world as female.

This is a film about hard conversations, the endurance of friendship and how nothing really changes between two open, kind people, even when everything on the surface isn’t the same. Harper endures mocking. She’s asked questions about being trans. She’s mistakenly called a man and firmly corrects people. Will has her back without hesitation.

The Ferrell Factor

Derek has never liked Will Ferrell as an actor and he’s not alone. But in this doc, although Ferrell is recognized by onlookers, he’s just a person. There’s one sequence where he gets Will Ferrell-ish but that’s really it. He’s simply eager to understand why his great friend has made this decision and how, despite being close, he never knew her secret.

It’s a well-paced film, funny at times, and it brought me to tears at one point.

Ferrell insisted that the film needed to come out before the US election. It will be many people’s first – and perhaps only – encounter with someone who’s trans. It’s almost a “how to” – how to behave, and what they might be thinking and feeling. And why transitioning has nothing to do with anybody else but them. Those of us who feel at home in our bodies can’t imagine anything else. But just because we don’t experience it doesn’t mean we can’t be kind.

We Are All Learning

Some would have you believe this is a new phenomenon, like, all of a sudden it’s trendy to be trans. If you’re old enough to remember when gay people finally felt like they were safe to come out of the closet in bigger numbers, reaction was similar. Suddenly there were gay people everywhere! That’s because they stopped hiding. And there are far fewer trans people. The stories about them, the outrage from some with huge social media platforms is disproportionate to the numbers.

When I was a kid and had terrible bouts of depression, my parents accused me of “doing it” for attention. It was painful to have my confusing episodes dismissed, but I see now that they didn’t know any better. Many people are treating trans folks the same way, as if transitioning is something they decided to do because they were bored. Would you cut off part of your body, or even just risk your personal safety, for attention? Of course not. So why would anyone think so of someone else?

If watching Will and Harper feels like the last thing in the world you want to do, I hope you push past that and watch it anyway. It’s my birthday wish. If you’ve ever wondered how to treat a person who’s transitioning, this documentary will show you. It costs us nothing to respect someone’s desire to be their authentic selves. We don’t have to understand it. We only need to approach it with compassion and empathy. And slow down long enough to just listen.