When someone gives you just enough attention to keep you on the hook, but they never commit to anything, they’re dropping breadcrumbs
These are the people you’re about to make plans with who opt out of the conversation just as things are being finalized. They send generic little messages like, “thinking of you”, or, “I love your smile.” But they vanish at the suggestion of concrete action. A friend and I discussed this very thing last weekend because a family member was doing it to her.
Breadcrumbing is narcissistic and toxic. It leaves those on the other end waiting for the next breadcrumb. It’s manipulative and one-sided. We used to call it “leading us on.” Breadcrumbing got its name from Hansel and Gretel, the German fairy tale about lost siblings who dropped breadcrumbs so they could find their way home. Birds ate those crumbs, if you recall.
The Digital Age of Breadcrumbs
It’s much easier to do in this era of texting and emailing. The breadcrumber doesn’t respond to a text or email for a long time, sometimes weeks, and then acts like nothing happened. I can think of times in my dating days (70s and 80s) when a guy would breadcrumb via the phone because – I only know this now – I was one of many girls he was stringing along, like juggling a bunch of balls. The breadcrumber in the 70s and 80s would rejoice at leaving a message instead of a live person picking up the phone – if they bothered to call at all.
We aren’t always our most confident selves when we’re dating. We clutch onto those breadcrumbs, looking for any reason to feel positive about them and the person who’s dropping them. We waste so much time.
I remember going to a dance and seeing a guy who had feigned interest in me but never asked me on a date. He was SO happy to see me! We danced and he bought me a beer. At then end of the night he made a vague promise that we’d get together soon. I never heard from him again but I spent a lot of time analyzing his actions, playing right into his stupid game.
Something else I’ve learned about dating. If you have to spend time analyzing their messages for meaning, they’re not worth it. Confident people who want to be in your life will behave that way. Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids was the ultimate breadcrumber. He was ready to sleep with Kristin Wiig’s character but strung her along when it came to spending time together.
Breadcrumbing By Habit
I’m sure there are many people who have no idea they’re doing this to others. They abandon an unfinished conversation feeling like they have control. It feeds their ego and makes them feel powerful. But they don’t analyze what it’s doing to the other person. Hey, breadcrumber, you’re a jerk!
Family can leave breadcrumbs. It also happens at work when there are generic messages and no follow-through. Sometimes people do it unintentionally. Sometimes something happens and it’s out of character for them to ghost us. Stuff happens and no one is perfect. But most often, it’s a pattern, and we all can tell the difference.
This isn’t about the friend who’s so busy with family obligations that she can’t nail things down. Or the person who’s genuinely so busy that they don’t see an opening in their schedule. No, this is about a choice to leave you hanging, time after time.
Like just about everything in life, a person behaves in a certain way because of something to do with them and not you. The recipient of breadcrumbs can question their self-worth – why don’t they want to make time for me? – but that’s backwards. Real friends make firm plans and follow through. (And if they have to cancel, they follow through again.) Loving family members do the same. It’s like they want to make you feel dumb or needy for just wanting a normal interaction and concrete plans. It’s not you. It’s them.
Maybe the person has issues regarding attachment or trust. But that’s not your problem. If they can’t or won’t overcome it, buh-bye.
Breadcrumbs are for coating chicken. Unless you’re gluten-free or doing Keto. Then they’re no darn good at all.
Oh finally, I have a name for what has filled my life, Breadcrumbs and yes, it’s really crumby and filled with false friends which include family!
It’s pretty common!
Sounds like breadcrumbing and ghosting go hand in hand!
Indeed!
This is the first I’ve heard of this term!
I think I may just know a few of those through my workplace. Interesting they are in sales too! 🤔. They are masters of breadcrumbing!
Wow – it makes you wonder how they make a living!
Unfortunately, it can take years to spot this toxic behavior.
When you are a kind and considerate person, you can’t even imagine that someone can so easily treat others in such a hurtful manner.
The attention the breadcrumber gets from manipulating someone, is like self medication. It’s what they need to feel better about themselves. However, what they really need is to acknowledge and address their behaviour. They have a choice as to what the rest of their life will look like because eventually, they will end up being very lonely people.
Well said, Claire.