An acquaintance, in the loosest sense of the word, asked me for a big favour last week. And after I got over the shock of the audacity of the request my thought was, what’s in it for me?
I mentioned that to Derek and his reaction might have been the same as yours is now. Geez, Lisa, that’s not very kind! But, I think it was honest and deep down, it’s how we assess these things.
Derek counsels at a detox program in the city and his motives, while rooted in a desire to help people, also involve a benefit for him. Whether it’s a good feeling he gets from helping, or a desire to give back fulfilled, there is some give and take.
When I became a Big Sister, it wasn’t entirely altruistic. I wanted a child in my life and I reaped the rewards of that relationship. Heck, even Mother Teresa put her own names on her orphanages. She was partly in it for the marketing!
We make these kinds of decisions at our jobs, too. We all have to do things we don’t like, but the cost of falling out of favour with the boss, falling behind our colleagues on the career track or even losing the job altogether is too high. So, we do the thing we don’t like to do.
If it had been a close friend who asked for the favour, I would feel a genuine desire to help them and that would be my benefit. I wouldn’t have even hesitated. But to go far out of my way for someone I hardly know and would otherwise never even see in person? That’s all take and no give, on their part. On the surface it may sound cold, but unless we are doormats, these are the decisions we make. Sales people decide how much effort to put into a client based on the likelihood that it will end in a contract. An overly needy friend will drain our energy and we will – sometimes subconciously – see them less and less because they don’t give us anything back.
Did I do the favour? Not as asked, no, but I offered a compromise that doesn’t require me to put out 100% of the effort. The adjustment still leaves the transaction at about 80-20, not a great deal for me with someone who won’t even be in my life after the favour is done. But I’m a nice person. And I’m a person who readily admits that allowing someone to paint WELCOME on my back isn’t a good way to go through life.