A colleague died suddenly at work a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t know him well, but he was a friendly, cheery guy who always made a point of saying good morning. People who worked closely with him were devastated and he was clearly well liked around the building.
During the usual small talk that occurs when somebody dies, it was revealed that he was estranged from his children. There was a falling out when the family broke up and the kids never came around. Now they never can and it’s the belief of those closest to this man that one day they’ll realize they missed their only chance to know their father.
My late colleague’s daughters weren’t thrilled with whatever their Dad apparently did, but it wasn’t illegal or dangerous or a crime against the state. He was a good person who may have made a bad decision or had a lapse of judgment. It’s not a wonder that he died at work – his career was all he had. He didn’t deserve life-long estrangement, but more importantly, the young women robbed themselves of a one-of-a-kind relationship. What a waste. It may sound maudlin or fatalistic but I decide whether or not to repair a relationship by wondering how I would feel if that person was suddenly gone. It’s a matter of costs. It costs more in the long run to hold onto a grudge than it does to work it out, and give them a chance to say they’re sorry. One day, sooner than you think, it’s just too late.
I think people get caught up in the feud and it carries on because they think that person will live forever. Sadly, it’s often a parent or sibling. I know someone that did this and when the person was gone and the reason for the feud died with them, the regret was profound and there is nothing they can do that will ever make it better. I think if you want to hold a grudge against someone you should be damn sure you have never done something for which someone could hold a grudge against you. It puts it into perspective.
That’s a good way to put it. I have dropped people from my life with the full understanding and acceptance that it’s forever. No grudge – just, buh-bye, for a good reason! But an ongoing feud with someone like a parent? There has to be a way to patch that up.