I don’t drink alcohol, I quit smoking in 1988 and I don’t do drugs. Not illegal ones, anyway, and none for pure pleasure. I have only one vice left and that’s coffee. So scientists, please keep your beakers away from my Keurig.
Scientific evidence shows coffee is bad for you. Later medical studies show it can be good for you. Drink too much and you’ll do yourself harm. Drink just a little and you might get some benefit. Drink half a pot and you might even acquire magical powers. Drink it all day and you can levitate and heal wounds with your mind.
The latest study, published last week, shows 2-3 cups of coffee a day reduce erectile dysfunction. The results proved accurate no matter what other health issues the men experienced. Look out Viagra and Cialis, Juan Valdez is coming for your business.
Health studies contradict each other all the time, and they often can’t even be compared to each other because the sample sizes were different, etc. But no study is going to stop me from my two cups in the morning. Even if scientists conclude that in the next couple of years I’ll grow a lizard tail, I’ll be happy to book an elective surgery to get that thing snipped off. And frankly, unless you’re loading it with sugars and creams and flavourings – which means it’s not really coffee anymore anyway – you’re probably drinking the best beverage available for your health next to plain water. At least, that’s the theory I’m going with.