Sometimes You’re the Windshield, Sometimes You’re the Bug

What do I have in common with Kevin Costner, Uma Thurman, Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Sheen? 

I’ll tell you in a moment. But first, a victory story. Last year, I auditioned for a scratch track in a documentary about an old west shootout during World War I that’s still the topic of folklore and mystery. A scratch track is a place-holder. It shows the director how much time is taken up by the lines and it’s just in the work-in-progress film until a “real” actor is hired to do the role. I’m often asked to listen to scratch tracks to get the pacing for a job I’m doing. At the time, the producers weren’t even sure if the role of a frontier woman who witnesses an autopsy would stay in the final cut. I gave it my best Meryl Streep, got the job, and was told they really liked it. I never thought about it again.

The director contacted me a week or so ago and told me that not only was the character staying in the finished film, they would be paying me a performer’s fee and keeping my so-called scratch track because they saw no reason to replace it. This film is going to film festivals and having seen some of the scenes, I can tell you it’s a top-notch production. It reminds me of a Ken Burns film. My couple of lines will be in it and I’ll get a credit at the end. Ever since I played Becky Thatcher in my public school’s grade 8 production of Tom Sawyer, I’ve wanted to say I’m an actress. Well, this doesn’t make me Rachel McAdams but it’s my own little bucket-list item, and I’ll take it.

In addition to the many corporate videos and e-learning voice-overs I’m always doing, there have been other opportunities to play characters as well. One I won last November actually made me jump up and down on the bed. It’s probably important to note that we were in a hotel room in Niagara Falls at the time. The Onion, if you don’t know, is a satirical news source that we in media more-or-less revere. They are so dark and funny and hit society square in its pretentious, small-minded and ridiculous middle. My role was that of an over-the-top newscaster, staying deadly serious while promoting a couple of crazy stories. It was so much fun to record with the producers listening in and I waited patiently for the January date when the promos would go live.

Oh they’re going live. But mine won’t. I’ve been left on the cutting-room floor. One of the producers contacted me to break the bad news because he knew I was geeking out on the idea of being a part of what they do. Sadly, the original producer no longer works there and you know how that goes. “It’s not you, it’s us. Your work was excellent. We’re not replacing you, we’re axing the whole thing. Hopefully we can do something else in the future!” I was crushed. They’ve paid me. I did the work. But none of that matters, really, when the work doesn’t get produced.

So that’s what I have in common with Kevin Costner, who was cut out of The Big Chill except for the scenes where his character was dead, Uma Thurman, who was chopped out the movie Savages and Thornton and Sheen who were axed out of The Thin Red Line. And that’s just a partial list. Sometimes it’s time constraints. Sometimes it’s creative vision. Most times it has nothing to do with the performance. So you win some, you lose some. Perhaps one day The Onion will return. Until then, I’ve got Mrs. Haby, the frontier woman in Powers War, to look forward to hearing.