#5: Lyrics to that stupid song, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”. What makes it stupid is the lyric that goes, “and presents on the tree.” That’s just lazy songwriting! People don’t put presents ON a tree! Presents go underneath the tree.
I understand the challenge was to say “underneath” with one syllable to make the lyric work so how about consulting a Thesaurus? I didn’t even have to do that to come up with neath. And presents neath the tree. Done and done.
#4: Those who need to take a breath before they speak about political incorrectness. A case in point is an email my friend Erin Davis received about the song Baby, It’s Cold Outside. (You can read her journal about it HERE.) In a nutshell, the woman said the song’s lyrics sounded like a predatory man trying to coerce a woman into sex. Baby, It’s Cold Outside is an old, playful song. He wants her to stay, she’s being proper and coy. I suggest this woman turn her attention to rap lyrics that play all year long and talk about “slapping bitches” and other blatant, misogynistic and abusive stuff rather than a cute, old winter standard.
#3: Holiday haters. What does it matter to anyone if I want to put a tree up in my house in October and take it down the following April? I don’t, but there are people who go a little crazy about the traditions of others. There are truly important things in the world to worry about. Pierre Trudeau said the government doesn’t belong in the nation’s bedrooms. Well no one belongs in anyone’s living room either, unless it’s to help vacuum the pine needles.
#2: People who pronounce Rudolph this way: Rudoff. Is the actor’s name Doff Lundgren? Is a marine mammal called a doffin? Was one of the most horrible men the world has ever known named Adoff? Of course not. Rudolph is already left out of reindeer games. Let’s not butcher his name as well.
#1: The widespread belief that Santa Claus is spelled Santa Clause. I blame the hit Tim Allen movie from twenty years ago. The Santa Clause was so named because it was about a clause in the Santa Claus contract. But a whole generation has grown up thinking there’s an e on the end of Claus. It’s really out of control. I see it in business emails, on signs and in advertising. Next thing you know, Websters will decide it can be spelled either way and that’s the day I book my one-way ticket to Mars. Or is that Marse?
There are those occasional exceptions to #5. I knew someone who hid an engagement ring in its open box among the branches of their Xmas tree and re arranged several decorations as a surprise for their official decorator to see if she would find it. Rumor has it she did. No, it wasn’t me.