He’s Just Not That Into You

What a depressing book. 

This self help/comedy book came out in 2009 but I recently picked up a used copy at a bookstore. Its author, Greg Behrendt, decided to tell what he knew about men to women after finding himself giving relationship advice to his colleagues on the otherwise all-female writing staff at the TV show Sex and the City. (Co-author Liz Tuccillo doesn’t add very much and seems like a token addition to the pages.)

In case you’re not aware, teen girls and young women make a career out of analyzing the men they know, like, want to meet and date.  A woman can create an entire potential relationship out of the most minor behavior of such a man. We assign deep meanings to essentially meaningless conversations.  We make excuses for men who avoid us in the mistaken belief that they are fighting their feelings for us or otherwise behaving against the deep affection they truly feel. It’s like giving human qualities to a tree frog. It’s ridiculous and futile, as this book clearly shows. If a man is interested in you, he pursues you and shows his interest, full stop. Anything else is a whole heap of steaming bullshit.

Even though I’m far removed from my dating days I thought it would be fun to travel back in time and apply Behrendt’s logic to my previous self.  I was wrong. It was a huge downer!  So much wasted effort over guys who – according to this book – didn’t give a rat’s ass about me but would rather die than come out and say so. I could have been dating or even married to a guy like this, it’s all clear to me now. And then there were the really nice guys who were trying to work up the nerve to make a move, but took too long and ended up in the friend zone.  I was oblivious to them all. As Behrendt clearly points out, the signs are all there, we just talk ourselves (and each other) out of heeding them.

The whole thing would just be so much easier if we could set our egos aside and just be honest with each other.  Not hurtful, just truthful.  But somehow it just seems better to string someone along and spare their feelings.

I’d love to give this book to a woman who could use the reality check but it’s not for me to choose someone who needs it.  It really is something one has to pick up on their own volition, like choosing to quit smoking or giving up crack.  It’s an eye-opener, even in hindsight. Several times a male from my history would pop into my mind and I’d have to admit, he just wasn’t that into me.