Little-Known “Facts” About Kim Jong Il

Thanks to Jeff McArthur for inspiring me to seek out the propoganda – I mean definite facts – concerning the late North Korean “dear leader” who died last weekend.  

1.  Legend has it that when Kim was born in his father’s cabin there was a double rainbow and a brand new star shining in the sky.  State media said he was born in 1942 but the Soviets say he was born in ’41.  (Dude, if you’re going to lie about your age shave off more than just a year!)

2.  It was reported that Kim never peed or pooed.   Such vulgar things were limited to the common people. (That explains it. He was full of shit!)

3.   Over his lifetime of displaying a penchant for fashion (Khaki on khaki? That was his) and hair innovations (He single-headedly kept the bouffant alive) Kim was given more than 200 official titles.  They include such flowery phrases as Guiding Star of the 21st Century, Glorious General Who Descended from Heaven and the simple yet effective, Amazing Politician.

4.  His favourite movie star was Elizabeth Taylor.  He loved the movies Rambo and Friday the 13th. He once ordered the kidnapping of a South Korean filmmaker and forced him to make a socialist version of Godzilla.  You can’t make this stuff up.

5.  After a ceremonial first round of golf at a new course in his country, Kim turned in his score: 11 holes in one for 38 under par.  His 17 bodyguards vouched for him.

6.  He kept an entire fake city going on the border between South Korea and North Korea.  Lights come on at prescribed times in homes and buildings that are unoccupied.  Every once in a while a crew is sent in to sweep the streets of Kijong-Dong to make it look busy and give it the illusion of activity.

7.  When he was forced to quit smoking for health reasons he banned cigarettes altogether.  He has also banned the Internet, books and mobile phones at various times.

Bye-bye Kim.  The world is a little less crazy without you.