Tim Hortons announced this week that it’s adding espresso-based coffee beverages to its menu. I’m predicting a slow but perhaps fatal erosion of the customer base that made this company as Canadian as maple syrup and back bacon. Just a few weeks ago, Timmies started making lasagna. Lasagna! At Tim’s! Line-ups already snake through the restaurants which are about half the size they need to be and drive-thrus are already backing out onto the street. Now they’ve put some sort of fast-food version of lasagna in the mix. If I’m going to eat lasagna it’s going to be made by someone with a vowel at the end of his or her name and served in a restaurant where I will be ostracized if I don’t put my napkin on my lap. Lasagna is not a muffin. It’s not even soup. It’s an intricately created bit of heaven if it’s made right and it’s blasphemous to turn it into a ready-to-travel meal like a burger. To be fair, I haven’t tried it, mostly because I have a sophisticated palate that balks at a forkful of suspected crap.
Now they’re going to put lattes and cappucinos and all of those other wonderful drinks in the stores, taking more time to create orders and backing things up even worse. When I crave a perfect latte I will go to Starbucks where I know I will not only be overcharged, but I will have to wait for it and wait behind several other customers who have asked for complex beverages. Starbucks isn’t known for speed. Tim Hortons is. That’s what makes it so popular. It’s fast and the coffee is consistent. Now Marge will have to foam the milk and shake on the cinnamon and make me wait even longer for my large, milk only.
Here’s a free consultant’s report for the company: you do what you do very well. Stop trying to be everything that you’re not because we loyal customers love what you are. And isn’t it just so Canadian of you to think that doing what you do well isn’t enough? Well, just stop it now before it gets any worse. You can probably still return the espresso machines and the milk frothers. For the love of raisin bagels, I beg of you – stop before it’s too late!